[blockquote source=”Elizabeth Gilbert”]“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.”[/blockquote]

I had an interesting conversation with a friend recently. We were discussing celebrity; more specifically, the untimely death of one of our nation’s most beloved performers – who had taken his own life in a moment of absolute desperation.

By all outward appearance, he seemed quite happy – devoting what little extra time he had to be of service to the local charities. In public, his eyes would gleam with the joy of having finally realized his dream.

But, those eyes were merely a mask to the troubles within.

In the days to follow, the newspapers painted a much different story – one of a man who struggled deeply under the weight of his own suffering. In the weeks before his death, he had turned to drugs in an effort to dull the pain. But, the pain was still very much there – his capacity to deal with that pain had lessened.

Ironically, he was loved by millions, and yet, in the end,…so desperately alone.

I’ve often wondered about loneliness, specifically, what drives the fear within it? Look onto the shelves of any bookstore, and you’ll see at least a dozen or so current reads – all with the intention of pushing loneliness away.

But, we shouldn’t ever force our feelings away, as…in doing so, we risk losing the greatest opportunity for spiritual growth and insight.

I, myself, love being alone. Solitude is my blanket, and the miles of trails behind my house have become my spiritual refuge.

But for others, I know this to be a terrifying prospect. They equate the state of being alone, with the suffering that accompanies loneliness. When in fact, the two are profoundly different.

In her book, ‘Comfortable with Uncertainty: 108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness and Compassion‘ American Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron offers,

“Usually we regard loneliness as an enemy. It’s restless and pregnant and hot with desire to escape and find something or someone to keep us company. When we rest in the middle of it, we begin to have a nonthreatening relationship with loneliness, a cooling loneliness that turns our usual fearful patterns upside down.”

But, in order to accomplish this, we must be willing to transform our experience with our fear…to allow deeper investigation into their true cause, to look beyond our circumstances.

That’s not something for the feint of heart, as it can often uncover the very things we had hoped to remain buried.

“It goes deeper though, than the outer circumstances. And, if you look deeper, then you realize it’s fear of not being good enough, fear of losing something, fear of not being loved. Fear of lots of, you know sometimes they’re called, ‘core beliefs’ – that we hold about ourselves. Deeply held fears which are often not even verbalized.” – Pema Chodron

Sometimes, I think we move far too quickly through our emotions – we are so quick to soothe, that we often miss the most important lesson these experiences have to share.

That is, if you’re willing to stay just long enough, you’ll see – there’s a ‘soft spot’ inside even the most difficult of our emotions.

Much love, my dears – and on this day, I wish you the blessing of being alone.

Andrea Dorfman, “How to be Alone.”